Five Things to Love About Attachment

Most of my clients, indeed most people who have any meaningful contact with me, have heard me talk about attachment theory.  Attachment theory studies how people (and other mammals) bond and connect.  Focusing on early relationships between infants and their caregivers, attachment theory looks at how we are shaped in relationship through the lifespan.  By studying the “attachment system” that exists between two people, attachment theory looks at what things lead to a “secure attachment”—a felt sense of security and safety within a relationship.  

While much of attachment theory looks at interactions between caregivers and infants/children, attachment systems also exist between teachers and students, between friends, between intimate partners, and between therapist and clients.  One goal of therapy is to create an experience of secure attachment—that is, safety— between the therapist and client, using a lot of the same components that create a secure attachment between a caregiver and infant/child.  Over time, the secure feeling in the therapy room generalizes into a sense of feeling safer in everyday life.  This sense of safety may be particularly important during periods of anxiety and transition when uncertainty can give way to feelings of being unsafe.   

My understanding of attachment is a huge resource for me.  It reminds me of my innate capacity to connect and is something I find elegantly beautiful.  It helps me feel grounded and connected, and makes me feel good!  Here are five things I love about attachment theory:

1.  The ability to create a sense of safety in others is in our bodies.

So many of our body systems participate in the process of attachment, often outside of our immediate consciousness.  For instance, the presence of an adult heartbeat helps regulate a newborn’s heartbeat.  A regulated heartbeat creates an internal sense of safety for the newborn. Throughout the lifespan, our bodies continue to resonate with and co-regulate one another.  A calm body can help an anxious body become more calm.  I love this fact about attachment because it helps me remember that one of the best things I can do for someone is keep my own body regulated and feeling safe because that feeling can be contagious.  

2.  Secure attachment feels good.

We’re social creatures, and as such have evolved to look out for one another.  We are also creatures that are motivated by “rewards” such as feeling good.  If something makes us feel good, we keep doing it.  Attachment behavior—forming relationships, caring for young, helping others—keeps us close and protects us as a species.  It also leads to positive feelings of warmth, connection, expansiveness, flow and so on.  I love this fact about attachment for the simple reason that I enjoy feeling good!

3.  Rupture and repair builds trust.

Attachment theory tells us that mistakes and misses in relationship help strengthen the relationship.  This is also referred to as rupture and repair.  A rupture in a relationship can take the form of a disagreement, an oversight, or even just a moment of awkwardness.  While uncomfortable or painful, the rupture provides the relationship the opportunity to come back together.  Trust builds when both people in the relationship learn that they can go away and come back again. 

4. The ability to connect exists throughout the lifespan.

We are shaped by our relationships, and have the capacity to attach, until the day we die.  I love this fact about attachment because it means that there is always the capacity to develop a sense of security, even if that is not what we experienced as children. 

5. Attachment theory explains so much!

Attachment theory looks at how our patterns of relating begin in our earliest experiences.  Looking at our earliest strategies for making connection with caregivers can offer insight into other important past and present day relationships.  Such awareness is a fundamental step in shifting patterns that no longer feel good. 

Finding Ground Through Life Transitions

Life transitions can be rough.  Relationships break up.  Friendships change.  Jobs and projects come to an end. Things that once felt as certain as the sidewalk beneath your feet are suddenly gone, or drastically different.  There may be some sort of deep knowing that everything will be okay, but feelings of anxiety, fear and sadness can overwhelm that wise inner voice.  These feelings are normal during transitions.  And, believe it or not, they’re useful.  These types of emotions are signals that there’s something up.  Something needs attention.  Something needs care.  So what can you do to give yourself that kind of care?

First of all, start where you are.  Ask yourself in this moment, what do you need? 

Stability! you say.  Strength! Calm! Peace! A new love! More friendship! A new job!  

Yes. Yes! Of course.  You want and need these things.       

But how about right in this moment?  Are you feeling ungrounded and adrift? Uncentered and scattered?  Dark and heavy? Take a moment to gently focus on the feeling—no need to dive deep into it, just give it a little bit of space in your mind.  Maybe name it for yourself.  For example, I feel ungrounded.  Now, what does that ungrounded feeling need? Nothing comes to mind? 

Try feeling the ground.  Literally.  Feel your feet on the floor.  Focus on the sensations of your feet. Try wiggling your toes and pressing your feet into the floor.  Stand and do some gentle squats and engage your large leg muscles.  Check in with that ungrounded feeling.  Has anything shifted? Or, go outside and get your hands in some dirt.  Pay attention to what it feels like.  If you find something about it that feels pleasurable, maybe some space around those rough feelings.  Hang with that sense of space, or whatever part of you feels a little more okay.  Take a breath into it; take a mental snapshot of what you’re feeling.  Is there anything else that needs to happen?  Something else, small or big, that you can do to take care of yourself?  Follow your impulses, and then check back in.  How grounded or ungrounded do you feel now? 

You can work with other feelings in the same way.  If you’re uncentered, can you put your hands on your belly to help find your center again?  Can you contain the scattered feeling by wrapping yourself in a blanket? Step into the sun to lighten the darkness?  These are just ideas.  See if you can find a little something that works for you.  If you’re having a hard finding that edge of pleasure to grab onto, it might help to reach out to a friend, family member or other part of your community for reflection and support. 

It can be important to remember that these more easeful moments, like the more difficult moments, will come and go.  By paying attention to them you’re not trying to lock them in or prevent the rough feelings altogether.  You’re just building the tools that will help you navigate whatever transition you’re in. 

Developing Resources

I think of resources as things that help people (and other beings!) feel good.  Art, exercise, friendships, routines and practices, and information are all resources.  Each resource feels good in its own way.  For example, creating or otherwise engaging in art may bring feelings of expansion and flow while physical exercise may bring feelings of strength and flexibility.  Relationships may make us feel warm, alive or cared for, while daily practices might help us feel connected and grounded.  Information and insight can help us feel oriented and understood.  There are probably millions of resources, and millions of ways of experiencing and engaging in them.  I love thinking about the diversity of resources—it makes me feel excited and full.  For me, thinking about resources is a resource!

In therapy, using resources looks like bringing attention to what feels good.  This can be in a broader way, perhaps by exploring self-care practices, or more focused on a specific thing, like noticing what in a relationship, or in a moment, feels good.  Bringing attention to the experience of a resource calms the nervous system and can create a felt sense of safety.  It also eases the way for bringing attention to more difficult experiences.  

Try it!  Find times to notice what is feeling good about a given moment.  The quality of your thoughts?  The feel of your hands?  The light on the wall or particular organization of a stack of books? Developing resources is a practice.  It can be hard or confusing at times.  There may be times when nothing feels good, or times when hanging out with a resource brings up something painful. But ride the waves, and you might find that noticing your resources opens options, brings clarity, and is just plain pleasant.