Finding Secure Attachment in Children's Books: Hug

As a therapist, parent and human being, I spend a lot of time thinking about attachment, specifically secure attachment.  Attachment is the bond that connects two people.  Attachment patterns—how we connect, or struggle to connect—form within early relationships with parents, caregivers and siblings.  When the attachment process is “good enough,” a secure attachment forms.  Secure attachment shows up as a sense of inner safety, and a capacity for curiosity and exploration. It also lays the groundwork for future relationships.

Sometimes early relational experiences fall short, leading to insecurity and difficulty finding comfort in relationship and connecting with others. Luckily, the potential for developing secure attachment exists throughout the lifespan.  Secure attachment can be “earned,” and attachment patterns can change.  This change happens primarily through experiences of safe and attuned relationships, such as with intimate partners, close friends, family members, mentors, and therapists.  Within these relationships, attachment can heal. 

A basic understanding of what attachment looks like, and feels like, can also be helpful for healing attachment. Children’s literature offers countless examples of secure attachment, and can provide a felt sense experience of inner safety.  For instance, Hug, by Jez Alborough tells the story of a young chimp, Bobo, who is looking for his mother.  This sweet and simple three word story also it tells the story of secure attachment.

Before joining Bobo, let’s take a look what secure attachment looks like in children.  First, securely attached children develop an “internal secure base” built from repeated positive experiences of safety in relationship.  Carrying this safety inside, they are able to venture from their caregivers and explore.  Second, securely attached children also are able to connect with others and seek help when needed.  Third, securely attached children may become distressed when they are away from their caregivers, but are easily soothed when they are reunited.

Bobo begins his journey moving through the forest looking at various caregiver/child animal pairs hugging.  He points to each of them and says a single word: hug.  His happy expression suggests the loving experiences he witnesses resonate with memories of his own caretaking experiences.  As time passes, Bobo begins to feel lonely.  Through facial expression and body language, it is clear that he wants his Mommy.  He has confidently explored the world, but now needs to return to his attachment figure to recharge.  He approaches a friendly pair of elephants, a parent and a child, and asks for help. The fact that Bobo is able to turn to another adult for help suggests that he has an internal working model that tells him that he can find safety in relationships. 

Bobo becomes increasingly upset as he and his elephant friends look for his Mommy; the safety he has found with the elephant gives way to access to a deep feeling of sadness.  In this deep emotional state, he doesn’t disconnect from his elephant friends.  Instead, he stays in contact, trusting that they can help.  Suddenly Mommy appears, and calls out for her little one.  Mommy and Bobo embrace, and Bobo is easily soothed. He takes in her hug, and then is able to move away from the “secure base” once again to thank the elephant for her support, and then celebrate with the whole community of jungle animals.

It tickles me to apply my therapist brain to the books I read over and over again with my child.  And when I take a step back and take it in, it touches me.  I feel appreciative of the authors and illustrators who understand what it feels like to have a secure relationship, and who are able to capture the feeling of safety, expansiveness and ease in bright drawings and simple language.   

Five Things to Love About Attachment

Most of my clients, indeed most people who have any meaningful contact with me, have heard me talk about attachment theory.  Attachment theory studies how people (and other mammals) bond and connect.  Focusing on early relationships between infants and their caregivers, attachment theory looks at how we are shaped in relationship through the lifespan.  By studying the “attachment system” that exists between two people, attachment theory looks at what things lead to a “secure attachment”—a felt sense of security and safety within a relationship.  

While much of attachment theory looks at interactions between caregivers and infants/children, attachment systems also exist between teachers and students, between friends, between intimate partners, and between therapist and clients.  One goal of therapy is to create an experience of secure attachment—that is, safety— between the therapist and client, using a lot of the same components that create a secure attachment between a caregiver and infant/child.  Over time, the secure feeling in the therapy room generalizes into a sense of feeling safer in everyday life.  This sense of safety may be particularly important during periods of anxiety and transition when uncertainty can give way to feelings of being unsafe.   

My understanding of attachment is a huge resource for me.  It reminds me of my innate capacity to connect and is something I find elegantly beautiful.  It helps me feel grounded and connected, and makes me feel good!  Here are five things I love about attachment theory:

1.  The ability to create a sense of safety in others is in our bodies.

So many of our body systems participate in the process of attachment, often outside of our immediate consciousness.  For instance, the presence of an adult heartbeat helps regulate a newborn’s heartbeat.  A regulated heartbeat creates an internal sense of safety for the newborn. Throughout the lifespan, our bodies continue to resonate with and co-regulate one another.  A calm body can help an anxious body become more calm.  I love this fact about attachment because it helps me remember that one of the best things I can do for someone is keep my own body regulated and feeling safe because that feeling can be contagious.  

2.  Secure attachment feels good.

We’re social creatures, and as such have evolved to look out for one another.  We are also creatures that are motivated by “rewards” such as feeling good.  If something makes us feel good, we keep doing it.  Attachment behavior—forming relationships, caring for young, helping others—keeps us close and protects us as a species.  It also leads to positive feelings of warmth, connection, expansiveness, flow and so on.  I love this fact about attachment for the simple reason that I enjoy feeling good!

3.  Rupture and repair builds trust.

Attachment theory tells us that mistakes and misses in relationship help strengthen the relationship.  This is also referred to as rupture and repair.  A rupture in a relationship can take the form of a disagreement, an oversight, or even just a moment of awkwardness.  While uncomfortable or painful, the rupture provides the relationship the opportunity to come back together.  Trust builds when both people in the relationship learn that they can go away and come back again. 

4. The ability to connect exists throughout the lifespan.

We are shaped by our relationships, and have the capacity to attach, until the day we die.  I love this fact about attachment because it means that there is always the capacity to develop a sense of security, even if that is not what we experienced as children. 

5. Attachment theory explains so much!

Attachment theory looks at how our patterns of relating begin in our earliest experiences.  Looking at our earliest strategies for making connection with caregivers can offer insight into other important past and present day relationships.  Such awareness is a fundamental step in shifting patterns that no longer feel good.