Finding Secure Attachment in Children's Books: Hug

As a therapist, parent and human being, I spend a lot of time thinking about attachment, specifically secure attachment.  Attachment is the bond that connects two people.  Attachment patterns—how we connect, or struggle to connect—form within early relationships with parents, caregivers and siblings.  When the attachment process is “good enough,” a secure attachment forms.  Secure attachment shows up as a sense of inner safety, and a capacity for curiosity and exploration. It also lays the groundwork for future relationships.

Sometimes early relational experiences fall short, leading to insecurity and difficulty finding comfort in relationship and connecting with others. Luckily, the potential for developing secure attachment exists throughout the lifespan.  Secure attachment can be “earned,” and attachment patterns can change.  This change happens primarily through experiences of safe and attuned relationships, such as with intimate partners, close friends, family members, mentors, and therapists.  Within these relationships, attachment can heal. 

A basic understanding of what attachment looks like, and feels like, can also be helpful for healing attachment. Children’s literature offers countless examples of secure attachment, and can provide a felt sense experience of inner safety.  For instance, Hug, by Jez Alborough tells the story of a young chimp, Bobo, who is looking for his mother.  This sweet and simple three word story also it tells the story of secure attachment.

Before joining Bobo, let’s take a look what secure attachment looks like in children.  First, securely attached children develop an “internal secure base” built from repeated positive experiences of safety in relationship.  Carrying this safety inside, they are able to venture from their caregivers and explore.  Second, securely attached children also are able to connect with others and seek help when needed.  Third, securely attached children may become distressed when they are away from their caregivers, but are easily soothed when they are reunited.

Bobo begins his journey moving through the forest looking at various caregiver/child animal pairs hugging.  He points to each of them and says a single word: hug.  His happy expression suggests the loving experiences he witnesses resonate with memories of his own caretaking experiences.  As time passes, Bobo begins to feel lonely.  Through facial expression and body language, it is clear that he wants his Mommy.  He has confidently explored the world, but now needs to return to his attachment figure to recharge.  He approaches a friendly pair of elephants, a parent and a child, and asks for help. The fact that Bobo is able to turn to another adult for help suggests that he has an internal working model that tells him that he can find safety in relationships. 

Bobo becomes increasingly upset as he and his elephant friends look for his Mommy; the safety he has found with the elephant gives way to access to a deep feeling of sadness.  In this deep emotional state, he doesn’t disconnect from his elephant friends.  Instead, he stays in contact, trusting that they can help.  Suddenly Mommy appears, and calls out for her little one.  Mommy and Bobo embrace, and Bobo is easily soothed. He takes in her hug, and then is able to move away from the “secure base” once again to thank the elephant for her support, and then celebrate with the whole community of jungle animals.

It tickles me to apply my therapist brain to the books I read over and over again with my child.  And when I take a step back and take it in, it touches me.  I feel appreciative of the authors and illustrators who understand what it feels like to have a secure relationship, and who are able to capture the feeling of safety, expansiveness and ease in bright drawings and simple language.   

Somatic Practices to Reduce Anxiety

Anxiety is the experience of a nervous system that is not running smoothly.  Many things cause anxiety including stress and trauma.  Here are several simple somatic practices to soothe the nervous system.  Each gently invites awareness back into the body and can create experiences of safety and calm. You can develop these resources at home, or anywhere you have a moment, and then practice tapping back into them during stressful experiences. This practice—developing and accessing your resources—can play a central role in systemically decreasing anxiety.  As with any somatic practice, pay attention if doesn’t feel good, and stop if you become uncomfortable or your anxiety increases.  

Get grounded.  Feel your feet.  Stand up and bounce a little bit.  Notice if it feels like the ground is reaching up to you,  or if you are reaching down to the ground. If you have a tennis ball, take off your shoes and roll the ball under each foot.  Imagine that you are exploring your foot as if for the first time.  Spend extra time gently pressing into tight or tender parts.  After you’ve done one foot, notice if you feel a difference between the two sides.  When you are done with both feet, notice again if the ground is reaching up to meet you, or if you are reaching down to the ground.  If you don’t have a tennis ball, you can also move your feet on the ground, massage them, or wiggle and stretch your toes.

Practice reconnecting with this sense of grounding during stressful moments by simply bringing awareness to your feet.  Push them into the ground and spread your toes in your shoes.  See if you can recall the experience of rolling out or massaging your feet.  Notice if bringing that experience to mind helps to recreate it in the present moment. 

Extend your exhale. Take a moment to notice your breath, without trying to change anything.  Be curious about how your breath is naturally moving.  Take a breath in, counting to measure the length of the inhale.  When you breath out, try to extend the exhale for a count or two longer than the inhale.  Do this a few times, and then let go of the counting.  Notice again how your breath is moving, and if there’s been any change.  Extending the exhale brings your parasympathetic nervous system—the part of your nervous system that’s engaged when you feel relaxed and calm—back on board.  You can do this exercise before, during or after a stressful event.  Versatile breath! 

Feel your skin.  It may sound a bit odd, but it can be helpful to remember that you have skin.  It is your primary boundary, the thing that holds you together and that interacts with the world.  Connecting with your skin can strengthen a sense of containment—a nice counterpoint to anxious experiences of feeling out of control or out of your body.  Begin by touching any exposed skin—hands, arms, neck ankles and so on.  Next, notice how your clothing feels against your body.  Now move your hands over the rest of your body.  Try gentle squeezes, rubbing or patting—different bodes like different things.  Don’t forget to connect with your back body, your face and the top of your head.  Try shifting your attention between the feeling of touching (what do your hands notice?) and the feeling of being touched (how does your body respond to the touch of your hands?).  During stressful experiences you can reconnect with that touch, or simply bring your awareness to the fact of your skin boundary.

Engage your large muscles.  Sit in a chair with your legs uncrossed, feet on the ground.  Check in with your experience, paying attention to how “in” your body you feel.  Do you notice where you’re touching the chair? Do you feel more "up in your head?" Now, push your feet into the ground and notice any difference.  Next, bring your hands to the outside of your thighs.  Push your hands in as you push your thighs out.  Again, track any shifts in your energy or experience.  Finally, bring your hands to the inside of your thighs, just above your knees.  Push your hands out as you push your legs in.  Once again, track any shifts.  Engaging your large muscles can help shift your focus and energy down, slowing and quieting racing thoughts.  These exercises—especially the first two steps—can be done during stressful situations, any time you are feeling somewhat out of your body.

Finding Space Inside

Often anxiety shows up as a feeling of being overwhelmed by crowded thoughts.  Worries about the future and memories of the past seem to vie for space in a much-too-little-feeling mind.  The body becomes tense and emotions feel overwhelming.

When this experience is chronic it can feel as though it will never go away.  Yet, it is possible to feel space inside.  Check in now.  Feel, is there a part of you that feels a glimmer of that possibility?  Here are a few things that can help quiet anxiety and create some space:

Clean something.  Our inner and outer worlds reflect one another.  Notice if there’s a way you want to rearrange the space around you.  Pick up the room, or deep clean a cupboard.  See what happens to your internal experience.

Go somewhere open.  Find a place where you can look at the sky or the water.  Open your senses, including the feeling of your relationship to gravity.  Invite your mind and body to reflect that sense of openness.  

Move your body. Thoughts, moods and inner rhythms and patterns are influenced by our bodies (and vice versa).  If you are noticing that there is cramping and tightness in your thoughts, you might be able to work some of that through your body.  Start by standing up and feeling your feet.  Notice if there’s anything that needs moving.  You might stretch up, fold forward or bounce lightly on your feet.  Follow what naturally happens for a bit.  You might wind up stretching for a while, moving in other ways, or doing something else that brings you peace.  Just try to follow what you’re doing, “tracking” inside for any sense of space.

Breathe.  Start by bringing awareness to how you are breathing, without any intention to change it.  Instead, pay attention to any natural shifts. Often just noticing tight, shallow or small breath will change it.  As your breath loosens, gently begin to deepen it.  This might be enough.  Stay here and track any calming or slowing down. If you want, turn your attention in (it can help to close your eyes) and pay attention to what parts of your body move when you breathe.  You can also imagine your breath traveling into places of tightness, both in the quality of your thoughts and in your body. 

Draw.  Drawing is another way to access and then ease out tension.  For many, it is initially uncomfortable to draw.  Most (if not all) of us drew as children, and many of us stopped drawing years ago.  Drawing can also carry experiences of judgment or criticism.  It can be helpful to focus on the process, not the resulting drawing. I’ve found it useful to consider the drawing a sort of byproduct of the process.  The byproduct is often striking or beautiful, but it does not need to be.  Start by choosing materials you’re comfortable with.  A pen and notebook work great, or use crayons, markers or pastels.  Start off scribbling, just noticing what it feels like to move your hand.  See if you naturally slow down, speed-up, tighten or loosen the scribbles.  If you get the urge to draw something else, follow it.  When you’re done, check in.  Again, track and see if there’s a sense of space after the practice.  

Exercise.  Expend some energy.  Hiking, jogging, biking and swimming are all good ways to get the heart and breath going.  Exercise regulates the nervous system.  A regulated nervous system creates the experience of safety and calm, that is, space.  

What else? Remember that glimmer of possibility? Follow the thing inside you that knows how to make space inside.  See what happens.  Make your own list.  See what works, see what doesn’t, and find a way to reflect on the process. 

Making space is a practice.  Like any practice, is develops and deepens over time.  Things may not get noticeably better, especially not right away.  You may not feel hopeful, not yet.  It is hard to be present and patient when there is pain.  Be gentle with yourself, and find ways to get support for your process.  And when it does feel smooth, take in any changes that happen, and enjoy the space as it grows.  

Follow Yourself

Here is the good news: stuck, scattered or buried, trapped, adrift or knocked off your feet, you have everything you need.  It’s inside you.  Feel your way in, and you find your way out.  

Try this: start where you are.  Notice what is already there, the ways you are already beginning to find your way.  There are stirrings inside.  Energies, frustrations.  There is something in you that is not stuck.  Something in you is already moving.  Follow that.  Follow the feeling inside that knows what to do.  Pick up the mess.  Listen to music.  Reach out.  Growl.  These impulses toward comfort and pleasure? These are your messengers.  Listen to them.

At times, and especially at first, it may not feel like enough.  The challenges are overwhelming, the logistics seem impossible.  How can it be enough to feel my way through?  How can it be enough to just follow? Rest for a moment in the assumption that there are trustworthy parts inside that know what to do.  We are each born with these parts, and with the capacity to move and grow.  

Chances are, you have done this before, this finding your way.  Remember, if just for a moment, if just in your bones.  There have been times when you have known exactly what to do.  You move toward the light or you reach with your hands.  You will your way through, or dream. 

Pay attention to what you are already doing, and follow yourself as you do.  Write it down, from time to time, or tell somebody about it.  Today it felt good to wash all the dishes; today it felt good to walk around the block twice.  Notice how you do these little things more now.  Notice how these little things begin to break down the feelings of being frozen or lost.  Notice how you gently listen in, and follow, and trust.   

You can trust the part inside that knows how to take care of yourself.  It is wise.  It has your best intentions at heart.  You have the potential to be living in a rhythm that suits you, at a speed and a brightness and noise level that is aligned with your inner way of being.  You know how to do it. Listening to yourself to find out what you need will not make you lazy or self-centered.  It will make you strong. When you are strong, you can be with the discomfort.  When you are strong, you can tolerate uncertainty.  

And you will find your way through.  Again.  

Need help following?  Therapy can help.  A therapist can help you tune your attention inside and help you reflect on what’s working and what’s not.  Working with a therapist can also help alleviate the anxiety, discomfort and depression that gets in the way.  As a therapist, I trust that you have intelligent inner resources, and I see my role as helping you find and grow them.